395. Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, Her Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed
Rating: ☆☆☆☆
Recommended by: Valerie Flores
Author: Lori Gottlieb
Genre: Nonfiction, Memoir, Psychology, Self Improvement
432 pages, published April 2, 2019
Reading Format: Book
Summary
Maybe You Should Talk to Someone is written by Lori Gottlieb, a therapist in Los Angeles who also writes an advice column for the Atlantic. Gottlieb takes you inside her practice, writing candidly about her patients and the way in which therapy can help them. Her patients include a self-absorbed Hollywood producer, a young newlywed diagnosed with a terminal illness, a senior citizen threatening to end her life on her birthday if nothing gets better, and a twenty-something who can’t stop hooking up with the wrong guys. Gottlieb also reveals her own journey with a therapist following a devastating break up.
Quotes
“We can’t have change without loss, which is why so often people say they want change but nonetheless stay exactly the same.”
“Follow your envy – it shows you what you want.”
“We tend to think that the future happens later, but we’re creating it in our minds every day. When the present falls apart, so does the future we had associated with it. And having the future taken away is the mother of all plot twists.”
“Above all, I didn’t want to fall into the trap that Buddhists call idiot compassion – an apt phrase, given John’s worldview. In idiot compassion, you avoid rocking the boat to spare people’s feelings, even though the boat needs rocking and your compassion ends up being more harmful than your honesty. People do this with teenagers, spouses, addicts, even themselves. Its opposite is wise compassion, which means caring about the person but also giving him or her a loving truth bomb when needed.”
“It’s impossible to get to know people deeply and not come to like them.”
“The inability to say no is largely about approval-seeking—people imagine that if they say no, they won’t be loved by others. The inability to say yes, however—to intimacy, a job opportunity, an alcohol program—is more about lack of trust in oneself. Will I mess this up? Will this turn out badly? Isn’t it safer to stay where I am?”
“Happiness (t) = w0+ w1 γt−jCRj+ w2 γt−jEVj+ w3 γt−jRPEj Which all boils down to: Happiness equals reality minus expectations.”
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
“Avoidance is a simple way of coping by not having to cope.”
“Just because she sends you guilt doesn’t mean you have to accept delivery.”
“What most people mean by type is a sense of attraction—a type of physical appearance or a type of personality turns them on. But what underlies a person’s type, in fact, is a sense of familiarity. It’s no coincidence that people who had angry parents often end up choosing angry partners, that those with alcoholic parents are frequently drawn to partners who drink quite a bit, or that those who had withdrawn or critical parents find themselves married to spouses who are withdrawn or critical.”
“In the best goodbyes, there’s always the feeling that there’s something more to say.”
“What people don’t like to think about is that you can do everything right—in life or in a treatment protocol—and still get the short end of the stick.”
“The opposite of depression isn’t happiness, but vitality.”
“An interesting paradox of the therapy process: In order to do their job, therapists try to see patients as they really are, which means noticing their vulnerabilities and entrenched patterns and struggles. Patients, of course, want to be helped, but they also want to be liked and admired. In other words, they want to hide their vulnerabilities and entrenched patterns and struggles. That’s not to say that therapists don’t look for a patient’s strengths and try to build on those. We do. But while we aim to discover what’s not working, patients try to keep the illusion going to avoid shame—to seem more together than they really are. Both parties have the well-being of the patient in mind but often work at cross-purposes in the service of a mutual goal.”
“two hundred years ago, the philosopher Johann Wolfgang von Goethe succinctly summarized this sentiment: “Too many parents make life hard for their children by trying, too zealously, to make it easy for them.”
“There’s no hierarchy of pain. Suffering shouldn’t be ranked, because pain is not a contest.”
“But part of getting to know yourself is to unknow yourself—to let go of the limiting stories you’ve told yourself about who you are so that you aren’t trapped by them, so you can live your life and not the story you’ve been telling yourself about your life.”
“You can have compassion without forgiving. There are many ways to move on, and pretending to feel a certain way isn’t one of them.”
“But many people come to therapy seeking closure. Help me not to feel. What they eventually discover is that you can’t mute one emotion without muting the others. You want to mute the pain? You’ll also mute the joy.”
“With aging comes the potential to accrue many losses: health, family, friends, work, and purpose.”
“The second people felt alone, I noticed, usually in the space between things—leaving a therapy session, at a red light, standing in a checkout line, riding the elevator—they picked up devices and ran away from that feeling. In a state of perpetual distraction, they seemed to be losing the ability to be with others and losing their ability to be with themselves.”
“Therapists don’t perform personality transplants; they just help to take the sharp edges off. A patient may become less reactive or critical, more open and able to let people in. In other words, therapy is about understanding the self that you are. But part of getting to know yourself is to unknow yourself—to let go of the limiting stories you’ve told yourself about who you are so that you aren’t trapped by them, so you can live your life and not the story you’ve been telling yourself about your life.”
“Being silent is like emptying the trash. When you stop tossing junk into the void—words,words,words—something important rises to the surface.”
“at some point in our lives, we have to let go of the fantasy of creating a better past.”
“peace. it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.”
“Ultracrepidarianism: the habit of giving opinions and advice on matters outside of one’s knowledge or competence.”
“Therapy elicits odd reactions because, in a way, it’s like pornography. Both involve a kind of nudity. Both have the potential to thrill. And both have millions of users, most of whom keep their use private.”
“If the queen had balls, she’d be the king.” If you go through life picking and choosing, if you don’t recognize that “the perfect is the enemy of the good,” you may deprive yourself of joy.”
“Relationships in life don’t really end, even if you never see the person again. Every person you’ve been close to lives on somewhere inside you. Your past lovers, your parents, your friends, people both alive and dead (symbolically or literally)–all of them evoke memories, conscious or not.”
“Anger is the go-to feeling for most people because it’s outward-directed—angrily blaming others can feel deliciously sanctimonious. But often it’s only the tip of the iceberg, and if you look beneath the surface, you’ll glimpse submerged feelings you either weren’t aware of or didn’t want to show: fear, helplessness, envy, loneliness, insecurity. And if you can tolerate these deeper feelings long enough to understand them and listen to what they’re telling you, you’ll not only manage your anger in more productive ways, you also won’t be so angry all the time.”
My Take
I thoroughly enjoyed Maybe You Should Talk to Someone. A former television producer and medical student, Gottlieb is a terrific writer and an excellent therapist. She takes you inside the lives of her patients (a fascinating journey) and helps you understand how therapy works. Highly recommended.